“You’re Not Hearing Me”: How Gender Socialization Shapes Conflict in Intimate Relationships
- Matthew Kirshman
- Jun 27
- 3 min read
By Matthew Kirshman, MA, MSW, LICSW
Sometimes a silent sorrow sets in when you feel unheard and misunderstood by your mate. Conflicts and arguments hit the same old walls. Maybe you’re starting to harbor a serious doubt: Are we really compatible?
Most couples who seek counseling do so to improve communication. Sure, there are skills that can help you navigate conflict and reduce escalation—but beneath missed signals and growing resentment, there might be an underlying story that’s bigger than both of you. The very DNA of how you feel, speak, and relate has been filtered through what our culture has taught you about gender.
Gender socialization impacts everyone—queer, trans, nonbinary, and cis. We all live in a world that assigns expectations based on gender. Over time, those expectations become our unconscious scripts, shaping how we handle conflict and express feelings, how we ask (or don’t ask) for help, and how we react when emotions run high.
For example, you might have learned to avoid conflict, fearing rejection if you express anger or disappointment. Your partner may have been taught to stay stoic, interpreting “being emotional” as weakness. Maybe your partner hopes his stress will be soothed without having to name it. Maybe you look for reassurance, only to be met with advice on how to “fix it.” Sometimes you walk away feeling diminished and disrespected.
According to research on gendered conversational styles, gender socialization can create emotional blind spots, leading us to misread each other’s intentions or needs. Misreading your mate isn’t done from malice; you’re just speaking different emotional dialects. Emotional dialects often split along gendered lines. Those raised as boys are typically taught to be solution-focused, emotionally self-contained, and “objective.” Those raised as girls are usually encouraged to be empathic and relationally centered—putting other people’s feelings first. A “masculine” style emphasizes logic-oriented solutions with a firm sense of self; the “feminine” style emphasizes relational interconnectedness with a capacity to understand multiple perspectives. To one partner, logical objectivity might be experienced as cold and uncaring. To the other, emotional expression and a bid for closeness might be labeled as “needy.” These aren’t personal failures—they’re inherited roles, passed down subtly and reinforced everywhere. Without realizing it, you and your mate, socialized with different emotional dialects, might be unconsciously interpreting each other’s way of communicating as a threat or a rejection.
Couples counseling can help unpack these patterns, but so can your own curiosity and positive intentions. Understanding gender socialization isn’t about blaming family or culture. It’s about making space for compassion, not only for our partners, but for your most intimate relationship—with yourself.
At-Home Reflection Prompts for Couples
Couples counseling offers a safe space to explore communication patterns, but you don’t have to wait for a therapist to begin reflecting together. Here are some questions that might help you explore how gender socialization shows up in your relationship:
When you feel hurt or overwhelmed, what lessons or messages from your upbringing tell you how you “should” respond?
How did your family model emotional expression—or emotional restraint?
In conflict, what emotions typically come up? Do you talk about your feelings, or do you withdraw? Where do you think you learned that pattern?
Have there been times when your partner misunderstood your intentions? How might gendered scripts have played a role?
Try answering these questions together, taking turns speaking and listening. Let curiosity and compassion guide you more than correction.
Resources for Further Reading:
How Do Gender Roles Affect Your Relationships? – Verywell Mind https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-gender-roles-and-their-effect-on-our-relationships-7499408
How Does Gender Affect Communication in Relationships? – Clarity NWI https://claritynwi.com/how-does-gender-affect-communications-and-emotions-in-relationships/
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